Something Odd

My youngest daughter and I went grocery shopping for a few things over the weekend and I noticed something.  As she and I went walking down the ice-cream isle, I walked with my back straight and making  eye-contact with other people.  Which, honestly, is not that odd.  Unless one is like me and always walked down that isle as if I were doing something wrong.

I’ve always been one to bemoan and wail the fact that fat people are just as much people as skinny people.  That everyone is beautiful, etc, etc, etc…  I also am one to say often that someone’s ACTIONS speak much louder than their words.   So, what have my actions been saying?  Apparently my actions have been saying a lot about how I see myself below the mental mask of equality I wear.  I walked with shame down the ice cream and chip and cookie isles because I felt as if I were doing something wrong.  I avoided eye contact because of that guilt thinking, “of course fatty is in this isle” as if being fat makes the fact that I love pralines and caramel ice cream wrong.  Over the weekend I noticed I made eye contact with others, and thought to myself, “Why?”  The only answer I can think of is that I am actually doing something about this weight.  I am no longer being a victim of my own design.  That I am being proactive in my health and treating myself like someone who deserves to be treated well.

Another thing that I’ve noticed about my actions is that I wear clothes that are generally lose fitting and/or way to big.  I don’t think I own a single provocative outfit, which is kind of a waste because like most big girls, I’m pretty large-chested.  And why….why do I do this?  It’s not because these clothes are cheaper, heck, the bigger ya go, the more they cost.  It’s not because they are flattering, I mean really, the only famous person that wore a muumuu was Mrs. Roper and we all know how many times SHE got laid.  So, really, why?  Why do I wear baggy clothes and stare at my feet when I walk down the ice cream isle all the while decrying fat inequality?  Is it because I am ashamed of being fat, or because I’m ashamed of not caring about myself, or not treating myself as I would someone else, or something else I haven’t thought of?

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