Frustration and grrrrrr

I Posted the week #13 results and frankly I really just want to cry. I know I’ve never been through this experience before, I really don’t know the week by week expectations or even if there ARE any.  The trainer did say the the fat percentage is not dropping as quickly as it can but damn, I don’t know what else to do.  I feel like I am not doing enough, but I really don’t know what else I can do.  I feel that at this rate, I am never gonna make a real difference in my body and what I want it to be.  I am so frustrated and angry at myself.  Angry because I let myself get like this.  While I realize the weight is still going down (and I’m almost afraid of what next week will be), I still look in the mirror and just think, wow.  Then I wonder, is what I’m seeing real or just some screwed up version with my own twist to it?  Then I think, it seems like I am working so damn hard for so little results.  I look around and see these cute little petite girls in the cute little clothes and I want to have that.  I want to be able to go hiking and not hold everyone up because I can’t even come close to keeping up.  I want to go dancing and last more that one dance.  I want to stop shopping in the plus-sized section where all the arm-holes in the blouses are big enough to fit my head through.  What?  Does the fashion industry think all fat people are literally shaped like stars?

Perhaps it’s just the holidays that are stressing me out too.  Or Seasonal Affective Disorder, or whatever.  I just don’t know, maybe I just need a hug

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Week #13 Results

Height: 5’3″

1.6 lbs lost

269.2 lbs

47.7 BMI

bringing total weight lost to 29 lbs

Fat Percentage: 47.8%
The trainer that measured me is not the same one that did my initial measurements, and I know some of these are a little off, but I measured some again this morning and they aren’t that far off.  I’m thinking of getting my own measure so at least then they will be consistent.
Bicept/left: 18.5 inches
Bicept/right: 18.5 inches
Neck: 16 inches *
Chest: 47.5 inches *
Shoulders: 48 inches*
Waist: 44 inches
Hips: 53 inches
Thighs: 30.5 inches
Calves: 22 inches*
*denotes measurements I don’t agree with

Either way, that brings in a total of 12.5 inches lost in measured areas, I guess.  I don’t even know.

Workout 12/24/2011 through 12/27/2011

12/24/2011 (Forest) (Arm Day)

Crosstrainer:  time:  22:00, steps: 2659, distance:  1.66 miles, cal:  321.9

I can’t say that I slacked today or not, because some machines are totally different than others. I try to get the same one every day so I can obsessively monitor my results, but sometimes I can’t do that.  Today was one of those days, and despite the multiple evils eyes I shot at the poor fella, he was NOT giving up his machine.

Treadmill:  time:  20:00, distance:  0.?????  miles, cal:  190

My treadmill shut off when there was a minute left at the first attempt!!  Right in midstride it just stopped.  I had glanced at the readout right before it did and saw I had gone 10 mins and there were 98 cals burned.  Told Rik, the guy working the counter, he looked at it and after a couple of minutes it came back on.  I jokingly told him that apparently it just couldn’t handle that much awesomeness at one time.  What I was really thinking was, god, I hope my weight didn’t bog it down.  Which really is ridiculous because I have seen some big ol’ fellas give those things a pounding.

I did manage to run 4 mph for 1.5 minutes twice at incline of 1 (whatever THAT means)!!

Leg Press:  5 reps of 12 at 140 lbs

Strive Chest Press:  5 reps of 12 at 65 lbs

Abdominal Isolator:  5 reps of 12 at 70 lbs

Bicep:  5 reps of 12 at 40 lbs

Arm Extension:  5 reps of 12 at 40 lbs

Strive Shoulder Press:  5 reps of 12 at 50 lbs

Bicep curl

3 reps of 15 with 10 lb weight

Tricep Press

3 reps of 15 with 10 lb weight

Lateral Raises: (new exercise)

3 reps of 5 with 10 lb weight each arm

12/25/2011

Day off, gym was closed.

12/26/2011 (Forest) (leg day)

Crosstrainer:  time:  22:00, steps: 2750, distance:  1.75 miles, cal:  349.4

Treadmill:  time 11:00, distance .64 miles, cal 112.6

ran at 4 mph for 1 minute at an incline of 3

Leg Extensions:  4 reps of 15 at 60 lbs

Bicep:  5 reps of 15 at 40 lbs

Inner/Outer Thigh:  10 reps of 12 at 90 lbs (5 inner and 5 outer)

Leg Press:  5 reps of 12 at 72 lbs

Seated Calf:  3 reps of 20 at 140 lbs

ICarian Back Extension:  5 reps of 12 at 140 lbs

Squats:

4 reps of 10 with 10 pound weight 

Lunges:

3 reps of five each foot, holding 10 lb weight in each hand

Reverse Lunges:

3 reps of five each foot, holding 10 lb weight in each hand

 

12/27/2011 (Anderson) (Ab & Back Day)

Crosstrainer:  time:  22:00, steps: 2921, distance:  1.76 miles, cal:  350.8

Due to my utter lack of planning my schedule, I did not have time for my full gym visit today–No treadmill 😦

Seated Leg Curls:  5 reps of 12 at 70 lbs

Abdominal Isolator:  5 reps of 12 at 50 lbs

Crunches:  5 reps of 12

3 reps of planks for 30 seconds each

3 reps of holding the green ball from hell between my ankles 1 foot off floor while lying on back for 30 second each

Non-Numerical Results that Mean the World to Me

While I’ve been posting the numerical results of this journey, I noticed something today that really brought home some of the NON-numerical results that really mean the world to me.  I had to shower at the gym today and wrapped the towel around me (yeah TMI, I know), and it literally wrapped all the way around me!  I literally cannot remember a time when that happened.  It has been so long that I have not even tried in years because it was such a glaring reminder of my size.  I would just dry off, throw a robe on and go.  I couldn’t do that today (I forgot my robe) and was thinking oh crap, now I gotta run across the shower room with my ass hanging out.  Pulled the towel around me and, holy shit!  I would be lying if I didn’t say I almost cried.  I just stood there looking like I was in a trance staring at the towel.

Another area I’ve noticed results is with my watch.  I’ve haven’t been able to fasten a watch smaller than the last hole in years.  I can’t wear the watches with the stretchy bands unless I buy the extended sizes.  This week I have had to start wearing my watch on the fourth hole.  Once again, I just sat there staring at my watch in utter disbelief.

My tummy no longer rubs against the steering wheel when I drive.

I can sit in standard chairs with arms without any difficulty or fear of getting stuck.

I know that these things may seem so foreign to those who have not had to deal with being so big.  For me, however, they were ways that my size has limited what I can and cannot do.  Every time I went somewhere, I would have to look around for the chair without arms.  Sometimes friends would be hurt thinking I didn’t want to sit with them, but I just couldn’t tell them that I couldn’t.  I’ve had to limit myself on the types of watches I’ve bought.  I haven’t been able to buy women’s belts in years.  The list can go on and on.  It’s not like I feel that being big makes me less-than, but yeah, it has brought me shame when I physically cannot do things that other people can or not wear things that they wear.  Part of me has always known, even though I have said otherwise, that I LET myself be this way.

 

Workout 12/20/2011 through 12/23/2011

12/20/2011 (Anderson) (Ab & Back Day)

Crosstrainer:  time:  22:00, steps: 2958, distance:  1.78 miles, cal:  360.2

Treadmill:  time:  11:00, distance:  0.61 miles, cal:  103.4

Leg Extensions:  4 reps of 15 at 60 lbs

Strive Chest Press:  3 reps of 15 at 65 lbs

Abdominal Isolator:  4 reps of 15 at 60 lbs

ICarian Back Extension:  4 reps of 20 at 140 lbs

Torso:  6 reps of 20 at 35 lbs (3 left and 3 right)

Pec-fly/Rear Delt:  4 reps of 20 at 60 lbs

3 reps of planks for 30 seconds each

3 reps of holding the green ball from hell between my ankles 1 foot off floor while lying on back for 25 second each

12/21/2011 (Anderson) (arm day)

Crosstrainer:  time:  22:00, steps: 2835, distance:  1.67 miles, cal:  327.1

Treadmill:  time 11:00, distance .55 miles, cal 90.3

ran for 4 mph for 1 minute today!!!

ICarian Chest Press:  4 reps of 15 at 50 lbs

Pec-fly/Rear Delt:  4 reps of 20 at 60 lbs

Standing Calf:  3 reps of 20 at 110 lbs

Bicep: 4 reps of 15 at 40 lbs

Arm Extension:  4 reps of 15 at 40 lbs

Seated Leg Curl:  4 reps of 15 at 70 lbs

Bicep curl

3 reps of 15 with 10 lb weight

Tricep Press

3 reps of 15 with 10 lb weight

12/22/2011 (Anderson) (Leg Day)

Crosstrainer:  time:  22:00, steps: 2856, distance:  1.75 miles, cal:  349.1

Treadmill:  time 11:00, distance .64 miles, cal 98.4

ran at 4 mph for 1.5 minutes and then again for 1 minute after I caught my breath

Leg Extensions:  4 reps of 15 at 60 lbs

Shoulder Lift:  3 reps of 15 at 40 lbs

Inner/Outer Thigh:  3 reps of 20 at 90 lbs (3 inner and 3 outer)

Leg Press:  3 reps of 20 at 70 lbs

Seated Calf:  3 reps of 20 at 120 lbs

Squats:

4 reps of 10 with 10 pound weight <—–still having difficulty maintaining balance with this one.  I do awesome squats, even the trainers say so, but add that damn weight and I’m about as graceful as a drunk chimpanzee trying to ballet, just ain’t happening.  They say it’s because of the lack of strong muscles in my back and abdomen.  Who am I to argue the point?  I have improved, but it is still difficult.  Another embarrassing factoid:  When doing squats (not so much now), my trainer could not understand why my knees kept “rolling out” even though my feet would stay where they are supposed to.  I didn’t have the guts to tell him it was because my stomach was pushing my legs apart when I went down.  It doesn’t do that so much now.  🙂

Lunges:

3 reps of five each foot, holding 8 lb weight in each hand

Reverse Lunges:

3 reps of five each foot, holding 8 lb weight in each hand

danggggggg, those weights get HEAVY after a while

12/23/2011 (Forest) (Ab & Back Day)

Crosstrainer:  time:  22:00, steps: 2831, distance:  1.71 miles, cal:  348.1

Treadmill:  time 11:00, distance .??? miles, cal 99.3 <<——– machine said I ran 19.06 miles….hahahahahaha

I managed to run at 4.2 mph for 1 minute today and 4.0 mph for one minute.  My average walking speed is 3.5 mph.  At 3.5 mph I work up a really good sweat and my heartrate is at the high end of the cardiozone.

Let me just say, that I absolutely HATE the fact that the treadmill is not as effective calorie-wise for me.  It drives me crazy.  Like I have said before I like the numerical, empirical numbers.  I like the proof and validation they give me.  However, I do realize that the treadmill is absolutely working different parts of my body in ways that the crosstrainer is not.  Do I completely understand how or why, not in the slightest.  

Leg Extensions:  5 reps of 12 at 60 lbs

Bicep Curl:  4 reps of 15 at 40 lbs

Torso:  8 reps of 15 at 35 lbs (4 left and 4 right)

Abdominal Isolator:  4 reps of 15 at 60 lbs

ICarian Back Extension:  4 reps of 20 at 140 lbs <<—–for some reason I like this one, it feels good on my back, weird, huh?

Strive Chest Press: 5 reps of 12 at 65 lbs

Strive  Diverging Lat Pulldown:  4 reps of 15 at 70 lbs

Crunches:  4 reps of 15

3 reps of planks for 30 seconds each

3 reps of holding the green ball from hell between my ankles 1 foot off floor while lying on back for 30 second each

 

Me……… and FOOD.

Yeahhhhhhhhhh, I love the stuff.
Big surprise, right?

I don’t really remember when it began to take such a high place in the hierarchy of my life.  I do remember being about 10-11 and eating so much pizza that I would go into the living room and do jumping jacks so I could go back and eat more feeling bloated.  I also remember getting chubby in fifth grade, which would be about the same time.  That is also the time that puberty hit.  I don’t remember ever having a ‘normal’ relationship with food.

Ironically, despite my size and love of food….I can’t cook it, not very well at all.  I’m originally from eastern Kentucky and, well, we’re not exactly world renown for our diverse and healthy palates.  Yes, I LOVE, heavy carbs.  Give me Mac-n-Cheese and a fork and I will literally eat until I am miserable.  Gravy and Biscuits, oh yeahhhhh.  Mashed potatoes, mmmmmm.  Heavily buttered dinner rolls, fried chicken, yes please.  And yeah, there is the occasional vegetable:  Green Beans, with a nice hunk of bacon, corn on the cob, slathered in butter.  Oh, and chicken n dumplins!

Now, there are two problems with me and this palate:  #1  Where is there anything healthy in there, because I sure did NOT see it.  #2  I can’t even cook THAT stuff!  I have always worked full-time since I was 15 years old, and when I was older, I worked even more hours.  Until about 1998, I worked in the fast food industry, so I just often ate at work.  After then I was a working, married mother of one going to school.  Not really much time for food prep in there.  So, we often picked up dinner somewhere.  I am also very bad for just eating one meal a day, hoarding up calories until close to the end of the day and then…it’s on.  I did learn to cook a few staples:  spaghetti with meat sauce, eggs, hot dogs, frozen dinners, etc.

Fast forward a few years and life changes, no longer married, shared custody, working 50 hours a week at a rather low income.  I’ve quit going to restaurants a few years ago due to the expense.  I do, perhaps every couple of months, go to McDonald’s after a particularly trying day and eat a couple of their dollar chicken sandwiches.  Even that is a gas-inducing, stomach cramping splurge though.

Thus, I had fallen into the habit of eating things like pizza rolls for lunch and box mac and cheese for dinner, or loaded baked potatoes.  Being very busy still makes food prep difficult.  Oh, and I love, Love, LOVE canned Coca Cola, especially in crushed ice.  The Coke, does NOT love my teeth though and despite the tanking economy, has continued to rise the price of their product.  Bye Coke!  (I do drink one every other Friday at card-night with my friends).

So, when I started this back in September, I spoke with T, the personal trainer, about food habits and he explained to me that it would be best to eat something several times a day instead of my Atilla the Hun attack at night.  So, I dropped the pizza rolls and etc and have been eating a turkey sandwich with 8 pringles low fat chips for breakfast, the same for lunch.  At dinner I was still making the mac and cheese.  It was about 650 calories (all carbs and fat), but it was easy to make, easy to count, tasty, and CHEAP.

So, yeah, I’ve pretty much been eating that for about three months now, give or take a few things on a few days.  I did wallow in the carbheaven of Thanksgiving too.  What’s happened is that I’ve gotten tired of turkey and sandwiches and macaroni and cheese, took three months, but I’ve gotten tired.

I’ve started experimenting with food and will be posting about them soon.  I’ve never been experimental with food, afraid that I wouldn’t like it, that I’d fail.  I really don’t know what has changed about my willingness in this area, but I’m grateful something has changed.