I don’t even know what I don’t know

I know I’ve been totally slacking in actual blog entries.  Keeping up with my exercise logs and results have been sporadic at best.  Throughout the day I think of hundreds of pertinent things that would fit very well here, but for some reason, I just don’t make myself sit down and actually post them.  Why?  I have NO freakin’ clue.  Part of me thinks it’s because I suck at follow-through.  Another part thinks that maybe I’m just afraid of people reading it.  Then there’s this other part that thinks I just overthink every thing.

I’ve been on this particular leg of my journey for going on three months now.  It’s been really interesting.  Some days are so easy and some are just so hard.  I’ll be on the elliptical and all I can think is, “Man, I gotta do this shit for the rest of my life?”  I shared that thought with a friend on mine that runs marathons…for fun (see that just sounds insane to me).  She laughed and said, if it were an elliptical she would think that too.  She said she always runs outside and only inside on a treadmill if the weather is heavy snow or storming.  So I thought I’d switch my cardio up some and do 2/3 elliptical and 1/3 treadmill.  Treadmill kicked my ass.  I don’t understand how I can do pretty darn good on the elliptical and then have the treadmill kill me.

What has occurred to me the most is that I am completely ignorant of living healthfully.  I mean, completely.  I have no idea of what foods to eat and if so how to cook them.  I have no idea if the way my body is responding is normal or not.  I had NO IDEA as to how poorly I had treated myself physically.  I see these women working out and stuff and I am just wow, not even close.  I don’t know if someone of my size/shape is supposed to be doing the stuff I am doing, or if gasping for air after running 4 mph for 30 seconds on a treadmill is good or bad or what.

I really don’t even know what I don’t know.  I’ve tried to do some searches for people who have lost weight and maybe read some of their stories but mostly I get the diet websites and stuff.  Or those people who have lost like 10-15 pounds.  But, if I do reach my goal, I will have literally lost over half my body weight.  I always used to make light of things like my size.  What I understand now is how DELUSIONAL I was about it.  As I was telling a friend this past week, what I didn’t completely bury in fat, I buried in tent-like clothing.  I always complained about how finding pretty clothes was so hard at my size.  Yet, as I was cleaning out my closet two weeks ago, and the pile of clothes that was too big for me grew, as did the pile of clothes that was completely unflattering to me and never were flattering.

So many things I’m seeing and just never saw before…


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