While I’ve been posting the numerical results of this journey, I noticed something today that really brought home some of the NON-numerical results that really mean the world to me. I had to shower at the gym today and wrapped the towel around me (yeah TMI, I know), and it literally wrapped all the way around me! I literally cannot remember a time when that happened. It has been so long that I have not even tried in years because it was such a glaring reminder of my size. I would just dry off, throw a robe on and go. I couldn’t do that today (I forgot my robe) and was thinking oh crap, now I gotta run across the shower room with my ass hanging out. Pulled the towel around me and, holy shit! I would be lying if I didn’t say I almost cried. I just stood there looking like I was in a trance staring at the towel.
Another area I’ve noticed results is with my watch. I’ve haven’t been able to fasten a watch smaller than the last hole in years. I can’t wear the watches with the stretchy bands unless I buy the extended sizes. This week I have had to start wearing my watch on the fourth hole. Once again, I just sat there staring at my watch in utter disbelief.
My tummy no longer rubs against the steering wheel when I drive.
I can sit in standard chairs with arms without any difficulty or fear of getting stuck.
I know that these things may seem so foreign to those who have not had to deal with being so big. For me, however, they were ways that my size has limited what I can and cannot do. Every time I went somewhere, I would have to look around for the chair without arms. Sometimes friends would be hurt thinking I didn’t want to sit with them, but I just couldn’t tell them that I couldn’t. I’ve had to limit myself on the types of watches I’ve bought. I haven’t been able to buy women’s belts in years. The list can go on and on. It’s not like I feel that being big makes me less-than, but yeah, it has brought me shame when I physically cannot do things that other people can or not wear things that they wear. Part of me has always known, even though I have said otherwise, that I LET myself be this way.