I woke up this morning, in a good mood and excited for the day to begin. I was getting ready to go to a job that (on most days) I enjoy. At lunch I was planning on going to the gym. After work, there is the opportunity to spend time with friends that I love, followed by spending time with my boyfriend. Today was going to be an AMAZING day!!! Today was also um, weigh in day, I know, awesome, right? Once a week I step on the scale to measure my results from the prior week. I do this just once a week, no more than that. I don’t obsess and dwell on it daily. I have an alarm set that says weigh-in and that’s what I do. So, this morning, my alarm goes off. I dutifully pull out my trusty scales, sliding them to the same spot I weigh-in every week and climb on. Four pounds up?!?! WTH? Really? Four pounds? What in God’s name did I do this week that chunked up four pounds? I mean, did I eat a stick of butter every night. Hell, even that wouldn’t have done it. Maybe a gallon of ice cream, TOPPED with a stick of butter. Oh no, wait, a gallon of ice cream, topped with BACON and a stick of butter on the side. Four pounds? Really? OMG! That’s like TWO kittens. I go stomping around my room, packing my gear for the day. I throw my stuff in my gym bag, thinking in the snippiest of voices, ‘four effing pounds, way to go, dumbass’. Getting dressed—‘four pounds’. I get in the car, close the door and think, ‘be careful not to slam those four extra pounds in the door’.
As I drive the extensive commute to work, which I complain about on most days, I notice that it has now become a mantra, ‘fourpoundsfourpoundsfourpoundsfourpounds’…..ugh! Then I begin to think—not always a good thing but today, maybe it is. I start to realize that before I stepped on those scales, I had already GAINED those four pounds, they were already there. It’s not like they were hiding on my bookshelf like tiny little elven ninjas waiting to pounce the second I stepped on the scales. They were already there. The ONLY difference before and after I stepped on the scale was my KNOWLEDGE of that fact. Did you know that bats have penises? I didn’t! I should have known, because they ARE mammals after all–flying, creepy mammals, but mammals nonetheless. Yet, when visiting the zoo, and seeing them hang in their brazen glory, I was AMAZED at the fact that the little winged demons had penises. Nothing changed, they ALWAYS had them, I just didn’t know it, yet the fact STILL amazes me sometimes.
I was having a GREAT day before I knew about the four pounds, an amazing day. Why would KNOWLEDGE of a fact that ALREADY existed make my day any worse. The condition never changed, just my PERCEPTION of the condition. Yeah, the knowledge that somehow I’ve picked up four pounds somewhere (and really, why couldn’t have been in the boob area?) is kind of like walking in on a parent naked. No amount of eye-bleach will make that image go away. At least now I know that some self-examination is required and this situation is very fixable. Perception really is a bitch. That bitch is goin’ down.